You Can Handle One or Two Drinks, Right?

You’ve been off the booze or dope quite awhile. You feel comfortable without it. You feel safe. You’ve got it licked. You can kick it again anytime you want. A drink or two won’t hurt.

Bullshit.

You’re kidding yourself. That’s the power of addiction. You’re never safe and secure. Your brains are deceiving you. One drink leads to two, two to three, three to oblivion. You’re right back where you started from.

How can you avoid the temptation? You can’t. Temptation will always be your companion. Your job is to avoid acting on the temptation.

I can’t advise anyone on the matter. I can only tell you what I have done so far.

First of all, I no longer refer to myself as an alcoholic. It sounds too polite, too antisceptic. It obscures the truth of acts while under the influence, the vomiting, the unprotected sex with strangers, the stink that floats with you, the hurt in your loved one’s eyes. I am just a common, slobbering drunk, nothing romantic, merely a garden-variety drunk doing my best to stay sober even after 25 years.

The second thing I had to do for my own survival was drop all of my drinking buddies and anyone else who reminded me of a drink. There can be human as well as alcohol triggers. A few people of my acquaintance were and remain toxic.

And then I stopped hanging around or even passing by the known locations of my habitual drunkenness. The added time it took to get to work was well worth it.

Finally, I felt a strong need to relocate and start from scratch. That was tough. Kids want to remain with their friends. It costs money to move. There are many tensions during and after a relocation. But for me, the end result was better. I don’t regret it.

These are just some thoughts, things I kick around in my (sober) mind from time to time. They may or may not work for other people. We are each different. Whichever path you choose, I wish you the best.

Can We Understand Ourselves?

I am sorry for many things in my life.

I’m sorry for the things others did to me that I had no control over.

I’m sorry for the things I should have done but didn’t.

I’m sorry for many things I did but shouldn’t have done.

All of these have left indelible marks on my brain. Everyone of them burns with an intensity that hasn’t diminished since I first became a conscious, thinking, reasoning adult.

The things that others did to me as a child are not, as one might think, the most painful. Yes, I was abandoned and left to shift for myself at a very early age. But oddly, I was happy to escape the drunkenness, violence, fear, and constant anxiety that debilited me years later.

I realize now that my life has been a lived in a state of impending doom because of the egregious acts of those whom, at first, I loved, and who later I thought  should have loved me. The ultinate betrayals left me with a subterranean case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

This led me to fail by omission and commission in my responsibilities as a parent. I repeated many of the acts of the adults I observed around me. I projected my fear onto others not by physical violence but by shouting and demeaning their every act. Just as I felt worthless, I led them to the same feelings.

Most of my loudness and intimidation occurred when I was drunk or hungover. My family learned to tiptoe around me. Or quietly leave when my attention was elsewhere. That is a life of hell for anyone.

I haven’t had a drop to drink in more than 35 years. Sadly, the damage had been done. Words once uttered and acts once committed cannot be retrieved.Those realizations came with sobriety. And with the realization came mental hell.

Yet I have never regretted my sobriety. At least I have done my best.

Or have I. Am I capable of truly understanding the effects of my behavior on those I love more than anyone on Earth?

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a day we celebrate our mothers. I have no mother to celebrate. She committed suicide many years ago. Since then, I’ve been especially aware of her action every Mother’s Day. The survivors of the suicide of a loved one can have strong emotions resurface with a strong trigger. For me, the strongest is Mother’s Day. Another is the anniversary of her death.

Recovering alcoholics and addicts are also highly suceptible to triggers. The relapse rate for recovering addicts is about 90 percent. Most relapses occur within the first one or two years of sobriety. Counselors warn addicts to avoid triggers and advise recovering adicts to change old habits and old friends. Change takes courage. Living with the suicide of a loved one also takes courage. Sometimes I believe that it requires more of me that I can give. Those times pass, but each one seems to weaken me a little more.

Perhaps someday I will have the good fortune to at last recover.

Getting Snorkled is So Much Fun

…until it catches up with you…And it always does.

In many ways–physically, emotionally, economically, socially–you name it. Booze will kill everything of promise that you once possessed.

Your brain cells die, your liver hardens, your face acquires the drinker’s purple, your kidneys begin to atrophy, your stomach rots.

Your emotional development stops and you spend valuable time coping with adolescent behaviors.

Your pour money down the toilet that ought to be directed to the well-being of your family.

Your circle of friends shrinks until all you have left is a circle of drunks.

And before you rezlize it, your family is gone, embittered and ashamed of you.

Is that the life you dreamed of?

Can you escape your life of premature death? Yes.

If I can do it, so can you.

Just stop.

The Challenges of Recovery

Those attempting to recover from an addiction face many challenges. One of the most difficult is living an adult life yet having the emotions of an adolescent.

Some studies have theorized that emotional development ceases with the first drink an alcoholic consumes. Thus an addictive person who took that first drink at the age of 15 and continued his or her addictive behavior for 20 years will, at the age of 35, function emotionally as a 15 year old.

What are those characteristics? I have found that the most common is a sense of defensiveness about the addiction. Even though now sober or drug free, the rccovering addict often carries deep feelings of shame over past hurts inflicted on loved ones. Consequently, the recovering addict tends to be alert for signs of perceived criticisms.

A recovering alcoholic of my acquaintence once exploded when someone innocently asked, “What are you doing here.” His response was to shout, “What would any normal human being be doing in a restaurant?”

Yes, the question was awkwardly phrased, but in truth, the addict and his group were having an AA meeting at a large table. The addict’s shame and defensiveness blinded him to this fact.

On another occasion I attended a graduation ceremony for a friend after he had completed rehab. Several other individuals also received cerificates on this day. When this man’s name was called, he rose and shuffled to the poduim, head bowed, eyes downcast. At the podium, he turned and faced the audience. “I’m Bob and I’m an alcoholic, he whispered so softly that he was virtually inaudibe. He was in obvious agony at having to admit his addiction in front of friends and strangers.

I understand clearly his shame because that is the story of my own shame and defensiveness. I still bristle when someone says, “You used to drink, didn’t you?” Intelectually, I fully understand my inner shame, but on an emptonal level, coping with past history remains a struggle for me.

Another adolescent characteristic is an almost overpowering desire, even a need, for acceptance. Peer pressure is a powerful motivating tool, a technique well known by advertising forces who want you to buy something because everyone else buys it.

Recovering addicts often vow to embark on their sobriety by taking a new directrion. Yet, in truth, they delude themselves into moving backwards but defining it as moving forward. They define sobriety alone as the new direction and forget about the environment around them, the comfortable environment of habits, hangouts, and friends, the very same deceptively welcoming environment that enabled and perpetuated their addiction. No wonder about 90 percercent of recovering addicts relapse within a year. The temptations and triggers are all around, inescapable in their “new lives.” Real change requires courage and determination. Real change is a fearful experience.

In my owb situation, I found that I needed to drop most of my friends and find different activities. I accomplished this by working every available moment. I attended graduate school with a will and completed the course of study almost overnight it seemed. Then I began teaching, something I had dreamed about before filling my time with alcohol. Over time, my desire to drink diminished until I can safely say today that there will be no more alcohol in my life.

I made my decision more than 25 years ago. Life today is immeasurablly improved. Now my family laughs around me where before they tiptoed around, in constant fear of one of my hangover outbursts. Their happiness means more to me than alcohol.

A post that I headed “Words of encouragement for recovering addicts” has received an enormous number of hits over a long period of time. I wish I had magic words to help. I think the best I can offer is the benefit of my experiences, hoping that at least one person will become sober and remain so for the rest of their lives as I have.

As I am prone to say, “If I can do it, so can you.”

Please feel free to comment about your experiences here. I’m sure others will appreciate your thoughts and perhaps that knowledge will encourage you to do your best to help others. I have a feeling that helping others will give your own lives a sense of purpose and suatain you as you pass over life’s bumps.

Good luck and a happy life.

I remember the day I stopped drinking.

I had been out the previous evening and came home so drunk I could only stagger into the bedroom and collapse fully clothed on the bed where I promptly passed out.

The next morning I woke with one of my regular hangovers, the kind so excruciating that any movement, any smell, any sound, any light would cause me to shake.

Somehow I managed to get out of bed and stagger to the living room where I promptly collapsed again. After a few minutes, I began to carefully move my eyes around.

I watched silently as my children just as silently tip-toed around, sneaking glances at me as they passed.

I watched their solemn, fearful faces.

I watched as one silently entered her room and closed the door.

I watched as another silently moved toward the front door and when she thought I wans’t looking at her, she just as silently opened the door and stepped outside.

As I watched, I slowly became horrified at the fear I had instilled in them by my explosive outbursts the day after a binge. They had reached a point where they did everything possible to avoid me whether I was drunk or sober.

I asked myself how I had managed to create a life of fear and misery for the people I loved more than any others.

My self-hate reached a peak on that morning. I decided that I loved my family more than I loved booze.

That has been more than thirty-five years ago. I am still working to repair my relations with them. But I will never give up. Never, until I die.

Stick to the script

The post on “Words of Encouragement for Recovering Addicts” has received by far more hits than any other topic. This leads me to believe that there are large numbers of people seeking help for them selves or for their loved ones.

Unfortunately, I am unable identify the specific group the hits belong to. My guess is that the hits are fairly evenly distributed. That’s why this post is aimed at addicts who haven’t taken the first step toward recovery, those who have taken that step, and those who care about an addict.

Although I can speak only from my own experience, I can say this: a winning strategy requires persistence. You must stick to the script. That means different things to different people. But in a nutshell, here is how I see it:

• For the addict who wants but hasn’t taken the first step, the script is clear. Never stop thinking about taking it, never give up. If you never try, you will never suceed. Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

• For the addict who has taken that first step and is in rehab or has years of addiction-free living, stick to the sctipt of a life unencumbered by alcohol or drugs.

• For someone you care about, never deviate from the script of encouragement. Offer your encouragement as often as possible in ways large and small. But always encourage. Always.

It is entirely possible that your efforts at persistence and encouragement will fail. Another act in the script is trying again and again. Someday your efforts may payoff.

If you are successful at saving just one life, you will have lived a meangingful life.

But more, you will have lived a meaningful life by the simple act of encouragement and persistence.

Happy New Year!

But be cautious and remain vigalent.

The holiday season is rife with triggers for recovering addicts–parties, merriment all around, rum balls. The list is endless.

New Year’s Eve is an especially hazardous time. You’ll remember the good old days when you eagerly joined everyone in bar hopping and in general assembling with others intent on becoming inebriated.

You have remained sober or substance free for quite awhile and feel confident you’ve beat your habit. Just one drink, you figure. No harm done.

Big mistake. BIG MISTAKE!

Just say “No!” You won’t regret it.

The Holiday Season

We are hearing holiday songs all around us and many have already received cards. Amazingly, I received a card from a cousin I hadn’t seen in 30 years. I was so happy.

Why not do something like this for your holiday? Make a list of people you want to renew contact with. Then, if you can, find their addresses and send them each a card. I guarantee you that they will be as happy as I am to hear from someone I had almost forgotten.

The holiday season is also a time of increased sadness. Memories of days gone forever flood us. Thoughts of departed loved ones haunt us. If you are a recovering alcoholic, you may want to share the joy you see around you and in a sense of euphoria, convince yourself that just one will be okay. It will not be okay. Resist it or that one drink will return you to the starting point. Do you want to go through the suffering and pain again?

The holiday season is also a risky time for those who have suffered the suicide of a loved one. You may find yourself suddenly oversome by an almost irrevocable sadness. You may think about taking your own life.

Don’t.

It will be the biggest mistake you will ever leave to your loved ones.

A story of perseverance

This is a brief story of a man I know.

• His mother was an alcoholic and unfaithful wife.
• She sent him to live with relatives when he was 12 and he didn’t see her or speak with her for four years.
• His father was an alcoholic abuser who spent time in jail.
• He spent 30 months as a soldier in a foreign country without a letter from his father and very few from his mother.
• His mother committed suicide when he was in his 30′s.
• He drank heavily himself for years before quitting 30 years ago.

Throughout his years, he carried these burdens with him and lived with a degree of sadness that never comoletely disappeared.

He said that he realized he had never been happy but had persevered, ever hopeful of better days to come. While persevering, he accomplished many things.

• Completed graduate studies.
• Taught college for 20 years.
• Raised three daughters and saw them through college.
• Had a career as a mid-level executive that provided a comfortable standard of living for his family.

He realizes now that his greatest achievement was persistence.

“We can do many things if we stick to it,” he said.

Whoever you are, you must always do your best and stick to your recovery efforts. My friend would want no less for you.